Taboo

¹ta·boo

 adjective \tə-ˈbü, ta-\

: not acceptable to talk about or do

-Merriam Webster

It seems as though I write about a lot of off limits topics! Taboo, one could say. In the last several years I've dealt with illness, not getting pregnant, IVF, adoption and foster care. Seriously. The last seven years have been pretty difficult. I do, however, believe like Kelly Clarkston sings that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Literally. It's not like the past 7 years have been easy on my family either.

Exactly two months after Brad and I got married, I ended up in the hospital with a grapefruit sized abdominal abscess. While I knew something was wrong, my month long symptoms of vommitting and tiredness led my co-workers to believe I was likely pregnant. Nope, I knew better. But how on earth do you convince those people, whom you don't want to share your medical history with, to understand that it simply wasn't humanly possible. Not only is it embarrassing to explain that you've had a boatload of testing to see why you can't get pregnant, but it's so hard to talk about. That's taboo.

When my best friend was having trouble conceiving, it was heartbreaking to see her disappointment month after month. When she finally got pregnant, a year after trying, I decided that I had to try IVF. It was going to be the only way I could get pregnant. Experiencing pregnacy through my friend's eyes was the closest thing to carrying a baby I will ever have.
After two failed IVF's and one FET I couldn't stand the thought of trying  it again. Month after month of painful shots, not to mention hormones that made me a bitch from Hell and blood work or doctor appointments every.single.day and I was done. So what did I tell my coworkers then? That I couldn't get pregnant so we opted to pay thousnads of dollars just to NOT get pregnant in the end? That's taboo.

Adoption: somewhat private, yet something you want to share with your friends, family and coworkers. What's frustrating is that there are periods where you hear nothing from the adoption agency. When those who care about you ask if anything is new, you smile and say "we haven't heard anything lately". But you repeat this over and over and over again and grow frustrated and upset every single time. It's not their fault, it's just life. 

I'm the kind of person that believes when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. I've tried to turn every experience I've had into something positive. Did I have the right to sit around and cry all day, depressed and sad? Maybe for a day, but as my mom would say "build a bridge and get over it". Not in a mean way, but as a way to move forward. Work through your feelings. The ABSOLUTE best advice I've ever received, while dealing with my woes, is was this:

 "no feeling is permanent", my Dad

This has helped me move on with every feeling I've had; Sadness, anger, frustration, depressed moments (or days). I do know that I have control over my feelings and letting them get me down is NOT an option! 

Take that, taboo topics! 

The Myths & Misconceptions Of Foster Care

foster care

noun

 

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Full Definition of FOSTER CARE:

 

supervised care for orphaned, neglected, or delinquent children or for persons mentally ill in a substitute home or an institution on either a full-time or day-care basis

 

- Merriam Webster 

When I first heard the words "foster care" in regard to adopting a baby, like many others I assumed it was impossible to adopt a baby from foster care. I mean thousands of people spend thousands of dollars on adoption and wait years to make their dreams of building a family come true. Was this too good to be true?!

I remember being in the gym locker room with my friend, the foster care worker, after an evening Zumba class, discussing adoption. As I got to know several participants pretty well, I shared my infertility to adoption journey with them. The love and support they lend, still, years later is touching. As I began to hear my friend's words "you know you can adopt a baby from foster care, right?!" I started to gain hope. That's exactly the moment when my world changed.

I begged for more information. She told me she had a 2 year old on her case load that needed to be adopted.  I was astounded that I had no idea one could adopt from foster care. If I, a 30 something woman, desperate for a baby didn't know, did anyone else know this?! I was anxious to call Brad and ask him his thoughts. Should WE do foster care?! 

It took no time to make our decision; foster to adopt was right for us. Could we be placed with a child that could potentially reunite with his or her parents? Sure, but it was the risk we were willing to take.

Common Misconceptions 

 

Their parents didn't want them

• Most of the time this is the opposite. Their parents DO want them, but often times have trouble keeping clean,  finding a safe place to live or unsafe habits that are extremely difficult to break.

Most foster children are born addicted to substances (alcohol, crack, etc)

• Common? Yes. Every.Single.Time? Absolutely not. My (Foster) son was not born addicted.

Foster care is punishment for the "bad" kids 

• This one kills me. Punishment isn't living in a warm, safe place, compared to on the streets or an unsafe home. Will every foster home be roses and unicorns? No way. There are plenty of foster parents who create a warm, loving home that these kids have craved.

Most foster children her bounced around from home to home

• I've heard this too. But the court system generally looks out for the best interest of the child. Going from home to home certainly isn't healthy for a child trying to form an attachment.

Their biological parents can take them back anytime  

• Reunification is the goal of foster care. If the parent is being compliant there are usually steps they have to take in order to have a simple unsupervised visit with their child. . 

The cycle will never stop. They will abuse drugs just like their parents

• A child in any family can become addicted to drugs or abuse others. It is a lot of work raising a child to become well adjusted. While foster children have additional issues that may par for the course, it doesn't make them a future addict.

If you or anyone you know wants to become a foster parent, contact  855 MICH KIDS

Michigan Foster Care Information
 

 

Dave Thomas Foundation
 

xo Rachel

 

Where Did The Time Go?!

As you can see, my last post was in 2013. Almost exactly 2 years ago. So much has happened in that short amount of time. I would like to say there's good reason that I haven't written, but really, there isn't. Lack of motivation? Certainly not because life was boring. It's just been busy and exciting! That's for sure. 

In the past two years my family and I have been pretty busy, so I will give you a recap of our last several years haur to catch up.

2011-2012: The Year of Doom (or so it felt)...

The year felt like it was devoted to trying to get pregnant. Three failed attempts at IVF/FET left us devastated. That's all she wrote.

2013: There's Hope!

We had some big choices to make. After researching a gestational surrogate (and a generous offer from a friend to help us) on my birthday, we decided to pursue adoption. We signed up with an adoption agency in Michigan. Morning Star Adoption Agency was awesome and left us with a fuzzy feeling and full of hope. A week into being signed up with them I got a phone call from the director.
They had a young woman who had placed her child for adoption just several months ago. She was pregnant again. We had to make a quick decision, which also meant spending about $5,000 and the risk of losing it if the process didn't pan out. After sleeping on it, the situation just didn't feel right. In the end I'm so glad we shied away from it. Turned out the gal wasn't even pregnant. Unfortunately this can be all too common in the adoption world.

Fast forward to August. My gym friend, Tara, a foster care worker, told me about fostering to adopt. It took us no time to agree that this was a viable option and may get us our child even that much faster. Shortly after our decision we were put in touch with our amazing licensing worked. She came out to the house, we took some classes, got finger printed, and within a week she informed us of an adorable little boy named Tyler.

I couldn't wait for Brad to wake up (he works nights) that day. The conversation went something like this "BRAD BRAD KATHY CALLED ME AND SHE KNOWS OF A LITTLE BOY WHO'S  A YEAR OLD AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE ADOPTED SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Anyone who knows my also knows how enthusiastic I am anyhow. I am sure Brad thought I was going to jump through the phone at any moment.

As the weeks went on and we hadn't heard anything about Tyler, we both grew anxious. We fought a lot and couldn't enjoy our spare time together because we were always wondering if we'd ever get to meet Tyler, let alone take any baby home. The tension in our household could be cut with a knife.

Fast forward to November. Our licensing worker put us in touch with Tyler's case worker. She tells us that Tyler is living with foster parents who like to be considered Tyler's grandparents. They had no relation to him, but we're older and wanted to always be a part of his life. They treated him like a little prince, which is also the name CPS had coined for Tyler. It was time to move Tyler to "permanent placement" aka OUR home.

The transition to bring Tyler to our home took over a month of daily visits, that turned into overnight visits, that led to weekend visits, ultimately making our "gotcha" date December 13, 2013. The week leading up to bringing Tyler home "for good" was hard. My Dad's only brother passed away and I spent the week with my family in St. Louis. This also meant that I didn't' get to see Tyler. A week of bonding missed, but it was important to be there for my family. Thank goodness for FaceTime.

2014: It all becomes real

Almost one year later, on December 9th, 2014, Tyler's birth mother's rights were terminated. A feeling of relief, sadness, happiness, and a realization that we could move on with our lives. December 9th was also the one year anniversary if my Uncle Rob's passing. I like to think that he played a part in things... call it silly, call it meant to be, God's plan (if you're a believer) whatever it was, it made me smile to know we have a true angel looking out for us.

2014 was pretty amazing. Not only did our family expand with Tyler, but my brother married the love of his life. In August Sara, Mark's gorgeous (inside and out) wife joined the Harris family! Tyler was lucky to be a part of the wedding by being the ring bearer!! 

Tyler with my dad, also known as Papa.

2015: Now the news that everyone has been waiting for... 

NO, Tyler has not been adopted. YET. However, we have big news!! We just got word that we're being moved to an adoption case worker this week!!! This, my friends, is AWESOME news! In a mere 3-6 months Tyler should officially become ours! It's a little bitter sweet too. We LOVE his caseworker. We click with her, she clicks with us. She adores Tyler and has always looked out for his best interest. I think it's safe to say we shall remain friends with her. Thank goodness!

Tyler has not only been a blessing for us, but my parents, Brad's parents, my step-children, and our entire family! People tell us that Tyler is incredibly lucky to have us, but we feel even luckier to have him!!!


xo   Rachel                                                        

 Top: Rachel. Skylar, & Dylan

                                                                                Bottom: Tyler, Brad, Jacob & Austin

                                                                       Christmas Day, 2014