Taboo

¹ta·boo

 adjective \tə-ˈbü, ta-\

: not acceptable to talk about or do

-Merriam Webster

It seems as though I write about a lot of off limits topics! Taboo, one could say. In the last several years I've dealt with illness, not getting pregnant, IVF, adoption and foster care. Seriously. The last seven years have been pretty difficult. I do, however, believe like Kelly Clarkston sings that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Literally. It's not like the past 7 years have been easy on my family either.

Exactly two months after Brad and I got married, I ended up in the hospital with a grapefruit sized abdominal abscess. While I knew something was wrong, my month long symptoms of vommitting and tiredness led my co-workers to believe I was likely pregnant. Nope, I knew better. But how on earth do you convince those people, whom you don't want to share your medical history with, to understand that it simply wasn't humanly possible. Not only is it embarrassing to explain that you've had a boatload of testing to see why you can't get pregnant, but it's so hard to talk about. That's taboo.

When my best friend was having trouble conceiving, it was heartbreaking to see her disappointment month after month. When she finally got pregnant, a year after trying, I decided that I had to try IVF. It was going to be the only way I could get pregnant. Experiencing pregnacy through my friend's eyes was the closest thing to carrying a baby I will ever have.
After two failed IVF's and one FET I couldn't stand the thought of trying  it again. Month after month of painful shots, not to mention hormones that made me a bitch from Hell and blood work or doctor appointments every.single.day and I was done. So what did I tell my coworkers then? That I couldn't get pregnant so we opted to pay thousnads of dollars just to NOT get pregnant in the end? That's taboo.

Adoption: somewhat private, yet something you want to share with your friends, family and coworkers. What's frustrating is that there are periods where you hear nothing from the adoption agency. When those who care about you ask if anything is new, you smile and say "we haven't heard anything lately". But you repeat this over and over and over again and grow frustrated and upset every single time. It's not their fault, it's just life. 

I'm the kind of person that believes when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. I've tried to turn every experience I've had into something positive. Did I have the right to sit around and cry all day, depressed and sad? Maybe for a day, but as my mom would say "build a bridge and get over it". Not in a mean way, but as a way to move forward. Work through your feelings. The ABSOLUTE best advice I've ever received, while dealing with my woes, is was this:

 "no feeling is permanent", my Dad

This has helped me move on with every feeling I've had; Sadness, anger, frustration, depressed moments (or days). I do know that I have control over my feelings and letting them get me down is NOT an option! 

Take that, taboo topics!